Saturday, July 16, 2011

Life is Complicated...Period.

My sweet husband
I like to think of this blog as something for our daughter. Something she can read at night for comfort, something to look back on and read when she's excited, sad or confused, and something to help her understand that we loved her before she was here with us. I know one day, sooner than we think, she'll be running around the backyard with the boys and Henry will be spraying her with the hose, if I raise her well, she'll be screaming at him and probably spraying him back within minutes, sticking up for herself like a good girl should. Crazy to think that Henry will be a big brother but when I've imagined our family, I've always envisioned it with her in it. I want her to know that. Now that our adoption is in full swing it's become more important for me to understand mine. It wasn't something that was spoken of a lot when I was little. There were no "right" words but really that's just a cliche and everyone knows cliches are totally annoying. I knew the basics, the outline of "my story" but when you're little you don't realize how all the pieces moved and the emotions that shifted them here and there. It seems the pieces have come full circle. In a couple of days I'll be visiting the place where I was born. It will be the first time in 31 years that I'll be there. Chris said he was nervous for me, I never really thought of being takes a lot to wreck my nerves but then I remembered that I was just a baby. A baby like my own who was newborn, small, teeny tiny hands and feet, just like my babies and I had to leave. I never really thought about what my birthmother was feeling at that point until I became a mother myself. I hurt for her, literally hurt, because I love her so much. We share a special bond most people don't really understand. I have never wondered "what if" or "why" because I just know that God's plan is just that. Not ours. Going back will be strange, but I wouldn't want to go with anyone else. Of course Chris would be nervous for me. He feels all the nerves so that I don't have to, a burden I sometimes forget about. I forget how much he knows me, what he knows and I remembered last night how much he really cares about my heart. He wants to protect my heart the way I want to protect our daughters. I don't want her to hurt but I know she will.  So, that's why we'll keep writing, hoping to ease her sorrow and fill her heart with love and happiness. The blessing of adoption is that you realize that God's love is bigger than any tear, sorrow, pain or triumph. He transforms us, gives us Grace to see ourselves in Him and understand that we our His child and we're linked together by His love.

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