Today We're Happy

 

This is not an inspirational, “this is my New Year’s resolution” post. I actually don’t really do resolutions. I have a really bad short term memory so things like that are useless. I use most of my brain power to remember more important things like what I’m cooking for dinner or what happened on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. I just feel like I haven’t written anything down in such a long time and so many people have asked or emailed about our adoption. The past six months, maybe longer we’ve had a lot going on. I’ve had it all categorically organized in my head but the past months have proven to be quite emotionally challenging and to be perfectly honest I think I needed a little time to process and reflect. Bottom line we’ve had major changes in our lives. We’ve dealt with a divorce in my family, mental illness, the death of my brother, a big move and of course the last adoption that fell through. I like to think that my eternal optimism gets me through most things in life and to some people it would seem like everything, for me, is a grain of salt. But things such as these can’t be grains; they’re more like boulders that you’re continually rolling uphill with three kids on your back. You can’t stop moving them because they’ll roll right over you. I actually find it very interesting parenting and having children during times of sadness or trauma. I remember loosing a very close friend of mine in college and I was able to take the time, be introspective, to walk to the chapel on campus and pray, say the rosary or just sit there when I needed to. With children you have to make the choice. You can be honest and describe your emotions or you can hide them and cry in the bathroom, laundry room or your car when you’re alone. We chose the first option. I think of our short journey of almost 10 years and there’s one thing that we’ve always done. Cope with things together and that’s what we do now, just as a family. Feelings are feelings, it’s good to teach children how to describe them and remind them that God is faithful. We learn through our tears and our sadness. He never told we’d always be happy but He always says He’ll be there for us, we just have to call on Him.

So with that said, there’s definitely hasn’t been a lack of joy the past 6 months. Chris got a phenomenal job that he loves and we’ve moved back to Houston. The kids are happier than ever and we feel settled and surrounded by friends and family. Chris is able to spend more time at home with us and it seems like there’s a big weight that has been lifted off his shoulders. I’m so very proud of him and I can tell he’s much happier and most importantly, proud of himself. We live just 20 minutes from my sister and nieces and nephew who I’m very close with so it’s such a blessing to be near them. We’re also back at our old church and we absolutely love it there.

            We did a lot of praying the past six months, as a family and individually. We had to put the adoption on the back burner because of the move but we prayed and asked for guidance on how to move forward because it was really hard on our hearts dealing with the last possible adoption. I think it was harder than I ever wanted to admit. So we just let it sit for a little bit until we felt ready to move forward. So we’re ready…we’re changing things up a bit and can’t really explain much as this point but let’s just say I have butterflies. We have an adoption meeting next week so I’ll post more about it then but as always, we appreciate all of the prayers and support from our family and friends. We always remember you and are so thankful.

I had to tell myself to "shut up" yesterday...

"Jesus never asked us to be comfortable, and if we are, we're not where we need to be. He asked us to make choices that could be painful, that could disrupt relationships, to help people everyone else judges, He calls us to stretch ourselves because then we can truly be disciples." ~Fr. Tom

I have never pulled out my phone in church but yesterday I didn't bring a pen for notes. Thank goodness I'm a professional texter because I was able to get that quote quickly in my phone before leaped into the cavern where I keep random thoughts. Chris had taken the boys to Children's Liturgy like he always does, God bless him, and I was sitting there along listening to Fr. Tom speak directly to me. I had faith that morning that I was going to hear something that would lift me up. I'm normally a really positive person but the few days before mass I will admit, I was sort of a wreck, bursting into tears when the boys would go upstairs to play and not talking too much, which is a sure fire way to know something's really wrong with me :).

Crazily enough for the second time this year, we were approached by a birth mother to possibly adopt her daughter. It hasn't been through our agency either time but through a family member or a dear friend (you know who you are). I won't go into too many details because we still don't know if we'll be adopting the child, but Chris and I have been overwhelmed with all of the prayers and support from our family and friends. We hadn't heard from the birth family for a couple of days so after throwing a pretty big pity party on Saturday I ended up telling myself to "shut up". I was being ridiculous. Someone was deciding to hand over their sweet little 7 lb. 8 oz. perfect little baby girl to us and I was sitting on the floor of my bathroom crying because I was being impatient. That baby may or may not be ours. We're preparing that it won't be and to move on with our agency but one thing's for sure...we better get use to it. Waiting is a part of the process. It completely sucks, but birth mothers need their time and we have to stand strong in our faith. I read back through my earlier post about how "God is big enough". I forgot that pretty quickly. It was time to shut up and listen. So we prayed. Ok, so we prayed, then we went our for sushi and a movie, but we prayed like we had never prayed before.

Sunday came around and we still hadn't gotten word from the birth family, in fact we haven't heard from them at all, and we had a strong sense of peace about the situation. All of our friends and family had been praying and I know that their prayers helped soothe our souls that morning and then I got to listen to Fr. Tom. On the drive to church I had a feeling that something would be great about his homily that day. I was right. It was a confirmation of everything we had been feeling about our decision to adopt. A call to do exactly what we're suppose to do, stretch ourselves, not be "comfortable" in our lives and to do things that most people would see as potentially painful. Chris and I know what we've been called to do, it's not the easiest thing in the worlds but He's going to stretch us and mold us into the people that we're meant to be. I have a really wise friend who's an adoptive mom herself and I emailed her last week to let her know what was going on. I told her I just needed advice, I didn't know what to say or pray or do to be honest. She just told me to pray, "that God's will be done." So that's what we've been doing. Thanks again for everyone's prayers, thoughts, texts and calls. If we get an update I'll be sure to let you know. Until then, we've got three amazing little boys who's smiles and hugs make us feel like a million bucks. How quickly we forget our blessings sometimes. I need to count them more.

An Honest Question

“Why do you have to adopt a black baby”? I’ve gotten this question numerous times. Normally it’s from a family member or friend that is honestly concerned about our family dynamics but I’m not sure it really sunk in for them until the past few weeks wrapping up our homestudy. (BIG YAY ALMOST FINISHED!!!) I really never thought about why NOT to have a transracial family. I see it as such a shame to have children sitting in foster care mostly because of their race and the fear that they’d disrupt or not be the “perfect” fit for a family. I think we’ve just got to the point in choosing a program, when we decided to adopt a child who is least likely to get adopted. Unfortunately, that would be African American babies. One day we’ll have to sit down and explain to our daughter about her adoption, she’ll one day know and hopefully understand why other little girls just like her don’t have a mommy and daddy, big brothers and grandparents that love her so much and processed through "the system" because they were the same color as her. I don't have the perfect words right now, but sometimes "perfect" isn't really what you need.  I will never say we have a perfect family. My boys don’t eat veggies, we throw tantrums (even me), my 15 mo old still takes a bottle, and we sometimes say things we don’t mean but… We love hard and try to remember that God didn’t make us perfect He made us to be His hands and feet. Hands and feet get dirty, they get bruised, scraped, burned and calloused…but He cleans them, washes them off and everyday they’re just like new. Thank God for new days, each day is a blessing with our perfectly imperfect family and our little girl will have a special place in it whenever she gets here.

Beach Bums



Chris always shows lots of excitement when he's
driving for long periods of time in the car.



Last month Chris and I decided that we'd take the boys on their first "offical" family vacation and drive to Pensacola to visit my cousins, aunts and uncles for a week. Most people don't really see the fun in driving 12 hours in the car with three boys under six, but I was so darn excited. I think I was more excited then they were and by the time we were in the car to take off I think we may have let out some squeals. I can't begin to tell you how much my husband enjoyed that. *insert sarcasm* There's just something about roadtrips that make my heart happy and allow me to not think about looming decisions, laundry, baseboards and cleaning my kitchen. Roadtrips are fun especially when you're final destination is the beach. This trip was really important to me for other reasons as well. It was sort of like a mission to come full circle, start a new leaf, give lots of hugs and begin to learn about people that I've only heard about in stories. It was time to put faces to names, and what better place to do that than Florida. To explain my family and it's structure I hontestly think most people need a flow chart so please be advised that it's confusing. I always enjoy watching people's faces when I try to explain it...the who's who and what not.  I think when I was around 20, the flowchart idea popped into my head...still haven't done it. I think I should laminate one and stick it in my wallet in case of emergencies LOL! Anyway, back to the beach, I mean heaven, I mean the beach...



The sky was beautiful...every night!



I'd say that Pensacola is where a lot of things culminate for me as a person. My birthmother met my birthfather there, so in a way my story kind of begins in Florida. We decided to drive there after meeting my cousin and aunt at my little brother's wedding and I immediately fell in love with their humor, personalities, love for food and fabulous sense of style ;). Luckily my birthmother decided to come down too so we were preparing for really exciting time together and I couldn't wait to soak up the time with them. I felt like I had thirty years of catching up to do but strangely enough it felt like we had grown up together. I kept thinking I had some "remember when's" or "that was so funny when's" to talk about but we were just starting to create those. I was excited to finally have cousins, to have aunts and uncles who laughed like me, a connection to my family that hadn't been able to occur until now, for my boys and husband to meet new family members and most importantly the ability to see God's Grace in action. There's no one else who could have pulled this craziness off. Is it confusing, yes, of course, but you know what, I don't care. Really....I don't.



My cousins and aunt



One of the biggest things that as been affirmed in our adoption process is that Chris and I are going to have to make decisions that are best for our family. There are many people who probably have panic attacks thinking about having four children. There are people out there who couldn't imagine adopting a child and there are adopted children who have no interest in learning about their birth family. I am not one of those people. Chris was giggling as we were talking about this post last night and I think he joked about how lucky we'll be that our daughter won't have my stubborness. Funny, funny...I hope she does. Sometimes it's a good character trait to have. I'm not going to promise that we won't cry behind closed doors about her having a relationship with her birth family if that's what she wants and we definitely won't promise that we'll have all the right words to explain everything to her. We will say that there are lots of people that love her and if she wants, we can all just be beach bums...

Life is Complicated...Period.

My sweet husband

I like to think of this blog as something for our daughter. Something she can read at night for comfort, something to look back on and read when she's excited, sad or confused, and something to help her understand that we loved her before she was here with us. I know one day, sooner than we think, she'll be running around the backyard with the boys and Henry will be spraying her with the hose, if I raise her well, she'll be screaming at him and probably spraying him back within minutes, sticking up for herself like a good girl should. Crazy to think that Henry will be a big brother but when I've imagined our family, I've always envisioned it with her in it. I want her to know that. Now that our adoption is in full swing it's become more important for me to understand mine. It wasn't something that was spoken of a lot when I was little. There were no "right" words but really that's just a cliche and everyone knows cliches are totally annoying. I knew the basics, the outline of "my story" but when you're little you don't realize how all the pieces moved and the emotions that shifted them here and there. It seems the pieces have come full circle. In a couple of days I'll be visiting the place where I was born. It will be the first time in 31 years that I'll be there. Chris said he was nervous for me, I never really thought of being nervous...it takes a lot to wreck my nerves but then I remembered that I was just a baby. A baby like my own who was newborn, small, teeny tiny hands and feet, just like my babies and I had to leave. I never really thought about what my birthmother was feeling at that point until I became a mother myself. I hurt for her, literally hurt, because I love her so much. We share a special bond most people don't really understand. I have never wondered "what if" or "why" because I just know that God's plan is just that. Not ours. Going back will be strange, but I wouldn't want to go with anyone else. Of course Chris would be nervous for me. He feels all the nerves so that I don't have to, a burden I sometimes forget about. I forget how much he knows me, what he knows and I remembered last night how much he really cares about my heart. He wants to protect my heart the way I want to protect our daughters. I don't want her to hurt but I know she will.  So, that's why we'll keep writing, hoping to ease her sorrow and fill her heart with love and happiness. The blessing of adoption is that you realize that God's love is bigger than any tear, sorrow, pain or triumph. He transforms us, gives us Grace to see ourselves in Him and understand that we our His child and we're linked together by His love.

Little Blessings

I love watching people’s reactions to the idea of adoption. To me, it was just second nature and I couldn't imagine not doing it. My husband definitely didn't have that kind of reaction but is now really excited about it. It just seemed like the thing to do for our family, knowing the amount of little blessings who needed forever mommies and daddies. We've gotten really powerful reactions of hopefulness as well as questions like, “why would you want to do that???”. I remember someone close to us asking that question. At first I was really hurt and confused about why they had the nerve to ask such a question but then I realized that some people really don’t see adoption as an option for their family.  I use to cry sometime thinking about all the children who don’t have forever families to celebrate their life with them. There are so many things to celebrate when you’re little, you know…all the firsts. The first time you smile, first steps, first time you lost a tooth and walked yourself to the classroom, or tied their shoes all by themselves. Can’t imagine all the little ones who don’t realize what blessings they are. I don’t care if you have one child or seven, you should know there’s just something about them that makes your heart jump, your voice get higher and your lips curl up into a grin. The kids waiting for forever families are special too, they're just waiting for us to tell them. My mother always told me that one of the best gifts that you can give your children is a brother or sister but she forgot to mention that it’s one of the best gifts for the parents too. Our children keep us young at heart, their laughs, contagious, their little voices are like symphonies and it’s not because I had them from my womb, it’s because they're children. God made them all like that on purpose; He knows what He’s doing. So, we’ll trust that. I’m sure we’ll get all kinds of weird and stupid questions about where our daughter came from as well as curious looks when we go out to dinner but I will be nothing but proud of our family. I'll answer their questions and I have a feeling I’ll answer them as honest as their questions pop out of their mouths. I’ve been known to have little patience for adults because it’s all used up on my children…this will be interesting but we’d rather have an interesting life than boring.

I can see the light!

Chris and I received our homestudy packet over a month ago and immediately the anxiety of social workers coming to our home overwhelmed me. Not only did we have to come to terms with our birthmother choosing us to adopt her daughter, but we also had to digest the fact that we had to be "studied". My stubborn "Mama Bear" instinct wanted to throw the papers out the window and scream out my car window, "I already have three kids!!!!!!!! I KNOW how to be a parent!" But thankfully, I've calmed my sharp tongue and understand that it's just the process. Everything has its process. So I aggressively started getting all of our papers together, resumes, tax info, financial info, birth certificates, but there was one thing that I totally just didn't want to do. My "autobiography". Thirty five questions about my upbringing, my strategies as a parent, my life's vision, my relationships with family members (that's an entire book all to itself), ect. ect. I sort of had the Toys R' Us Kids song going on in the back of my head and began realizing how much of an adult I really was and how serious the next few months really are becoming. So while my kids were still and quiet during nap time one afternoon, I got the writer's itch. I grabbed my amazingly organized notebook with my sticky tabbed sticky notes and began to answer, and answer and answer. So I finished my autobiography and I have to say it was not only helpful for myself, in remembering where I came from, but it also gave me the chance to show where I want to be and what kind of family I wanted to create with my husband. So, Chris is finishing up his autobiography tonight and once that's all done we'll compile everything we'll be ready for our home visit. I have to say that I'm glad I had the chance to do my autobiography but remember...I do already know how to be a parent :).