Life is Complicated...Period.

My sweet husband

I like to think of this blog as something for our daughter. Something she can read at night for comfort, something to look back on and read when she's excited, sad or confused, and something to help her understand that we loved her before she was here with us. I know one day, sooner than we think, she'll be running around the backyard with the boys and Henry will be spraying her with the hose, if I raise her well, she'll be screaming at him and probably spraying him back within minutes, sticking up for herself like a good girl should. Crazy to think that Henry will be a big brother but when I've imagined our family, I've always envisioned it with her in it. I want her to know that. Now that our adoption is in full swing it's become more important for me to understand mine. It wasn't something that was spoken of a lot when I was little. There were no "right" words but really that's just a cliche and everyone knows cliches are totally annoying. I knew the basics, the outline of "my story" but when you're little you don't realize how all the pieces moved and the emotions that shifted them here and there. It seems the pieces have come full circle. In a couple of days I'll be visiting the place where I was born. It will be the first time in 31 years that I'll be there. Chris said he was nervous for me, I never really thought of being nervous...it takes a lot to wreck my nerves but then I remembered that I was just a baby. A baby like my own who was newborn, small, teeny tiny hands and feet, just like my babies and I had to leave. I never really thought about what my birthmother was feeling at that point until I became a mother myself. I hurt for her, literally hurt, because I love her so much. We share a special bond most people don't really understand. I have never wondered "what if" or "why" because I just know that God's plan is just that. Not ours. Going back will be strange, but I wouldn't want to go with anyone else. Of course Chris would be nervous for me. He feels all the nerves so that I don't have to, a burden I sometimes forget about. I forget how much he knows me, what he knows and I remembered last night how much he really cares about my heart. He wants to protect my heart the way I want to protect our daughters. I don't want her to hurt but I know she will.  So, that's why we'll keep writing, hoping to ease her sorrow and fill her heart with love and happiness. The blessing of adoption is that you realize that God's love is bigger than any tear, sorrow, pain or triumph. He transforms us, gives us Grace to see ourselves in Him and understand that we our His child and we're linked together by His love.

Little Blessings

I love watching people’s reactions to the idea of adoption. To me, it was just second nature and I couldn't imagine not doing it. My husband definitely didn't have that kind of reaction but is now really excited about it. It just seemed like the thing to do for our family, knowing the amount of little blessings who needed forever mommies and daddies. We've gotten really powerful reactions of hopefulness as well as questions like, “why would you want to do that???”. I remember someone close to us asking that question. At first I was really hurt and confused about why they had the nerve to ask such a question but then I realized that some people really don’t see adoption as an option for their family.  I use to cry sometime thinking about all the children who don’t have forever families to celebrate their life with them. There are so many things to celebrate when you’re little, you know…all the firsts. The first time you smile, first steps, first time you lost a tooth and walked yourself to the classroom, or tied their shoes all by themselves. Can’t imagine all the little ones who don’t realize what blessings they are. I don’t care if you have one child or seven, you should know there’s just something about them that makes your heart jump, your voice get higher and your lips curl up into a grin. The kids waiting for forever families are special too, they're just waiting for us to tell them. My mother always told me that one of the best gifts that you can give your children is a brother or sister but she forgot to mention that it’s one of the best gifts for the parents too. Our children keep us young at heart, their laughs, contagious, their little voices are like symphonies and it’s not because I had them from my womb, it’s because they're children. God made them all like that on purpose; He knows what He’s doing. So, we’ll trust that. I’m sure we’ll get all kinds of weird and stupid questions about where our daughter came from as well as curious looks when we go out to dinner but I will be nothing but proud of our family. I'll answer their questions and I have a feeling I’ll answer them as honest as their questions pop out of their mouths. I’ve been known to have little patience for adults because it’s all used up on my children…this will be interesting but we’d rather have an interesting life than boring.

I can see the light!

Chris and I received our homestudy packet over a month ago and immediately the anxiety of social workers coming to our home overwhelmed me. Not only did we have to come to terms with our birthmother choosing us to adopt her daughter, but we also had to digest the fact that we had to be "studied". My stubborn "Mama Bear" instinct wanted to throw the papers out the window and scream out my car window, "I already have three kids!!!!!!!! I KNOW how to be a parent!" But thankfully, I've calmed my sharp tongue and understand that it's just the process. Everything has its process. So I aggressively started getting all of our papers together, resumes, tax info, financial info, birth certificates, but there was one thing that I totally just didn't want to do. My "autobiography". Thirty five questions about my upbringing, my strategies as a parent, my life's vision, my relationships with family members (that's an entire book all to itself), ect. ect. I sort of had the Toys R' Us Kids song going on in the back of my head and began realizing how much of an adult I really was and how serious the next few months really are becoming. So while my kids were still and quiet during nap time one afternoon, I got the writer's itch. I grabbed my amazingly organized notebook with my sticky tabbed sticky notes and began to answer, and answer and answer. So I finished my autobiography and I have to say it was not only helpful for myself, in remembering where I came from, but it also gave me the chance to show where I want to be and what kind of family I wanted to create with my husband. So, Chris is finishing up his autobiography tonight and once that's all done we'll compile everything we'll be ready for our home visit. I have to say that I'm glad I had the chance to do my autobiography but remember...I do already know how to be a parent :).